Trying to get a drunk girl to finish is like trying to take a drunk girl home when she can’t remember where she lives. She’s like, ‘That’s not it, that’s not it, that’s not it.’

I’ve been freakishly skinny my entire life because there’s a hole in my butt.

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.” The third one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.” The bartender says, “So, that’ll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?”

Male comics are always coming up to me, and they’re like, ‘Hey, Natasha, don’t you think you’re a little attractive to be a comedian?’ And I’m like, ‘Don’t you think you’re a little ugly to be talking to me?’

I have this thing that I do called ‘Mysteries of the Universe,’ when I gaze up at the countless stars and infinite galaxies. I realize how small and insignificant my girlfriend is

It’s very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy — location, location, location.

What did the egg say to the boiling water? I don’t think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!

Q: What’s the ultimate rejection? A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: What’s the difference between love and herpes?

Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?